Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: I'm new to all of this, in my 50s because I avoided the VA for decades. I just. I just didn't want anything to do with the military. And when I. When I finally forced myself to think about things, when I did finally apply for disability for. For pts, it actually was approved really quickly, and. And it only took one more little nudge from my attorney to take it from 70% to 100% total permanent. Which, now that I'm hearing other people's stories, that was pretty quick. So to me, that indicates that there's a file somewhere of this guy was a devil, and maybe they caught him, maybe they threw him in jail. I have no idea. I'd love to know, but I sort of don't want to know either, because I'm a.
I'm afraid if I know where the guy is, I don't know if I could keep myself from doing something that I really shouldn't do.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: And.
[00:00:53] Speaker A: And sometimes I can still get enraged about it. I'm not Gandhi. I'm not Jesus. Sometimes the emotions take me over and I can get really angry about it.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: I mean, it's completely understandable.
In hearing your experience, it really sounds as though that person and persons were so methodical, and that's something that they done numerous times, which is horrifying.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: I do think he's done it to other people either before or after. And, you know, because they were pretty quick.
They didn't fight getting me to 100, like, you know, like the VA often does, and making it be service connected. And they were like, yep, okay, you got us. You know, so, you know, maybe there's something. And it's all conjecture on my part. I don't know. I don't have any proof of that.
I told my therapist this. I was in two years of pretty intense therapy. I've always said if a person's going to have to experience something like that, if that's God's plan for you, I'm lucky that it happened in the military because of the benefits I get. If that happened out in civilian life, I'm getting nothing but ptsd.
I am grateful for what's been put in place.
My son goes to college on the va, you know, and so, you know, I always look for silver linings.
And, you know, there it is, you know, I just. I'm just oriented that way.
Do I want things to change? Yes, I want to. And that's why I'm on this podcast. That's why I'm sharing my story. That's why I wrote a Book. It's why I'm happy to have. Have the rest of God's plan for me be helping other victims of sexual trauma. Specifically, I don't want to just focus on men because I know that it's women and men are both just under attack.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: Includes discussion of the essay epidemic in the military and suicide statistics. Please Skip forward to 4 minutes 38 seconds to continue.
[00:03:01] Speaker A: It's an epidemic in the military.
[00:03:03] Speaker B: It is. So I agree with that.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: So horrifically underreported. Like, how are you going to recruit if like one in four women are going to be raped or at least sexually assaulted? And how are you going to recruit it? And it could be as high as 1 in 6 in men. I've heard that number a couple times. You know, they say 1 in 50, but like men just so under report, women do too. And then you look at the suicide numbers and everybody's so concerned about the 22 a day. Yeah, but why are they doing it? Well, I think that a lot of them are sexual trauma victims that could never. Could just never say anything, you know, 80% of those are men, you know, but 80% of the military is men too.
The numbers just aren't great for either sex. And I just don't think it should be there. It's so infuriating to me. This goes on consistently year in and year out in our military.
We recruit the enlisted people from the poorest of poor, and then we train them to follow orders without.
Without questioning anything. And there's these monsters in there that are doing this to our young men and women. I honestly think they should be, you know, capital punishment. You. You basically murdered that young person's soul.
[00:04:18] Speaker B: That's true.
[00:04:19] Speaker A: I was. I was never the same. And I may never be the same. I'm working very hard to get back to being a happy, jovial, optimistic, loving man that God intended me to be.
But we got sidetracked for. For a long time. Yeah, but I'm working for it, you.
[00:04:41] Speaker B: Know, a lot of it. That's how I put it is my life came with a lot of side quests.
So.
Yeah, but I definitely agree that you are just fundamentally changed. Like every bit of you has changed when something like that happens. And I think it's good that people are coming forward and sharing, but it's. If these stories are here, but the accountability is not, there actually needs to be a concerted effort to end this. And it could be ended similar to lead to some species go extinct because they can't adapt to whatever change is in Their environment. That's pretty much how it needs to be in our society, where these people cannot survive.
Yeah, like, there has to be a consequence where people are like, oh, yeah, I can't get away with harming someone at that level.
[00:05:51] Speaker A: I do think it should be, you know, anyone that does that to a child. And, you know, I've been, I've been through some cohorts. I've been through a lot of things now and even on LinkedIn, some.
And I've had so many people reach out, some civilian friends, people I've known and, you know, privately and just say, look, that happened to me. And, you know, thank you for being so honest. I'm going to seek help. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get rid of this. I'm gonna unburden my soul from this. And that, that almost brings me in tears because that's, that's my whole, you know, of course that makes me feel good, but why would we go through these things if we can't turn it into something that is positive? That's just the way I am. Like, I, I wanna, I wanna help people.
Young men.
And I lament 35 years of not saying a dang word.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: Includes discussion of suicidal ideations, mental breakdown, and remembering repressed trauma.
Skip forward to 11 minutes to continue silent.
[00:06:55] Speaker A: And it took, it took, you know, attempted suicides and, and I was ready for another one when I had my breakdown in, in the va. And I'm so glad that, that I had that breakdown. And my, my pa, she just turned around like she normally did and say, hey, Ron, how are you? And I went to talk and I couldn't talk. I started, I started crying uncontrollably. And I wasn't the big crier. I'm a, I'm kind of a big ball baby nowadays, unfortunately, sometimes. And I couldn't stop. I couldn't talk. I couldn't get myself to quit. I broke down and she, she called upstairs to the psychiatry department, I think it is, and psychiatrist came down. She got me still crying, still could barely breathe and finally calmed down. First words out of my mouth were, I don't want to live this way any longer. I can't fight anymore. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm exhausted. I said, and that's what hypervigilance does to you. You're, you're utterly exhausted.
I didn't want to live.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: So when you were able to finally say, I, I, I can't fight anymore, what was going on in your body? Being able to finally express that to.
[00:08:24] Speaker A: Someone I was, I was at another point in my life where I'm, it's like, I've got a beautiful son. I've got so much to live for. That's, and that's where I think the, the MST trauma is. It's, it's so hard from a depression standpoint because that suicidal ideation like who, who the hell am I going to talk to about that? Who am I going to talk to? I didn't tell a soul. I didn't tell my parents. I didn't tell my, my ex wife. I did not tell a soul.
And I've learned that's most, most men and many women just, they just don't. They, they can't do it. They can't bear the potential shame of, of telling that story. And so then had me take, you know, those two tests that I think I've now taken them probably 100 times. But she said, well, you have, you have severe depression and you have ptsd.
I said, well, I can't have ptsd. I wasn't in combat. I didn't have a clue. I just was living life the best I could and I've had a great life. There were some pretty severe downs, but there were lots of good ups too. That's why I thought I was maybe manic or something. Like I wasn't really sure the hell was wrong with me.
So here's the crazy thing. I didn't even remember being raped.
She told me, she's like, well, you know, it can be from things other than combat. I said, oh really? I didn't know that. She, she said, you know what? Think about it. And you know, got my number, call me.
I was exhausted afterwards and I, I was in a long term relationship at the time. Me going through all, all of what I've been through the last few years ended that relationship for me. But you know, it's probably for the better. But I just kind of laid around and thought and I'm like.
And about two days later in the middle of the night, I remembered a little bit. I'm like, oh yeah, I remember that now.
It took me immense courage to go back and utter those words. It was another huge bawling session I couldn't getting the courage up to.
I finally just said, well, I was raped.
I couldn't think of an eloquent way to sell. I couldn't think of a, you know, smart way to say it. And, and, and you know, she's a good woman. And she says, well, that's probably it.
And I told her what I remembered. And I've. I've remembered more over time just because it's driven me crazy that I can't really remember it much.
She got me right into like an MST qualified therapist out of Portland. And I did written therapy, and I've done all the different therapies and modalities at this point. I've done a hero dose psilocybin treatment, which was wonderful to kind of cap off two years. It's legal in Oregon, and I'm grateful for that because it was really beneficial. And be happy to share that story with Buddy.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
One big part of the show is sharing those resources and all these different ways that you can receive help. So by all means.
[00:11:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Well, the first thing I would tell any veteran is say something.
Get the courage. And if you need to talk to me to get the courage, I'm happy to talk to any veteran that needs the courage to say something one on one. I'm happy to do it. What works for people as far as therapies and different modalities? I think it's all very different.
I would like to see a course for MST and a course for combat because I do think that they present a little differently.
The written therapy thing did. Was. Was great for me. I didn't get a lot out of emdr.
What's. What's the other one? Cbt. Is it CBT or cpt? I always forget. I think it's.
[00:12:26] Speaker B: It's cognitive based therapy. Yeah. Cbt.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
I enjoyed that because it helps you rationally. Yeah, it helps you rationally think through things. And my, my brain kind of works that way. Where I was getting stuck was on the somatic release of my trauma. So getting my body to. To release the trauma.
That's where the psilocybin just did it.
I'm. I'm. I grew up Christian as a kid, so that's kind of my, My foundation, my. My basis as far as like a higher, higher power.
So basically that was a conversation with God to me. And, and it was done very therapeutically. A couple of meetings before then. You know, a hero dose, I mean, not a lot.
And lay down weighted blanket on me with, with blindfolds on, because if you don't have the blindfolds on and it came off in the middle and I was just tripping out about everything. She finally got me to put the blindfold back on so I could come out of being amazed by everything.
But I, I will tell anybody if, if they, if they wind up doing Something like that. It's, it's no joke. It's really, it's really harrowing. I was exhausted from that for a couple of days and, and I'm a pretty fit guy. I, I cross big crossfitting for 17 years. That's part of my therapy too, is working out. You know, it gives me, it gives me the, the good endorphins that, that my brain needs, you know, interestingly, just to talk about the psilocybin treatment, I was shown the universe and how amazing and huge it is. It's so weird to talk about after the fact because I've not met a person yet who's done it that can do it any justice with words. I just feel like I, I, I sound silly trying to say these things, but until you experience it, we'll call it the magic carpet ride or whatever it is. To me, it was a conversation with God showed me the universe, showed me that we're all made of the same thing.
We all are the universe. We all are God and God is in us. And I was shown my traumas, like my childhood traumas, of which there's plenty, and then my major trauma, and they were way off to like, what was my left.
And they were like in another galaxy. It's like, see those two little points of light over there? Those are your traumas and they're small and they're insignificant and they do not define you.
I define you. God defines you. That was really healthy for me. And I've since done Warrior Impact, which is real similar to Save a Warrior. One of the points there is like, letting go of your trauma, like not letting it define you any longer because you don't have to, you don't even have to tell your story if you don't want to.
But right key is letting go of that trauma. You, you and I had an interaction on LinkedIn about forgiving. That doesn't mean you have to forgive that MF for doing what he did to you, but it, it does mean that you got to let go of it and, and you certainly don't have to carry any of that shame to, to then go become the person God meant you to be.
So that was huge and done right up front. And then like the rest of it was just me wrestling with the divine feminine and not, not fighting it and knowing that that's also a part of me because I think my hypervigilance made me really defensive to the femininity. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't want to know that that was a part of me, and I didn't want to really accept it. That's why relationships are always so very challenging for me. I wanted to be a great husband, a great lover, a great boyfriend, but I wasn't comfortable. I didn't. But that was the big lesson for it for me, is that I'm always loved and I will always be loved. And, and that, that made me feel so warm and so full of, of joy and of peace. And what kind of spurred me on to do that was some individuals I know. But I also, I listened to a lot of Joe Rogan and some other podcasters that have experienced psychedelics, and then they brought on some guests that I find to be really intelligent, cool people, and they've experienced psychedelics. And almost all of them say the similar things of, like, I'm more patient, I'm more kind, I'm more loving, I'm more thoughtful, I'm more like Jesus Christ. If that's being Christlike, it's being all of those things if you're a Christian.
Those are all things that I want. Those are all things that I would have loved to have grown into being as a man. I still have that opportunity now that I can let go of, of that trauma because I didn't recognize it for 35 years. Process it, Let it go. Learn to process emotions with my frontal lobe and not my lizard brain, and create new neural pathways. And I, I think the psilocybin is great for that.
That's your body letting go of it. That's, that's somatic release.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: That's such an important realization and understanding to have of. Of yourself is, is the interconnection with everyone, every living thing. And yeah, I've had a few experiences with, with psilocybin and I. This was probably back in 2016 or so. It was one of the few times that I had felt comfortable in, in my own skin. And it gave me a sense of power, almost of just nice. I'm. I can accept, you know, myself and yeah, my pain, my flaws, you know, all of it. Like, it's this all kind of painfully wrapped package that makes me. But it also gave me the strength and the courage to be able to accept that about any person that I've come into contact with. That was the one thing that I really took away from, from those experiences was, you know what? Like, we all have these experiences, some painful, some joyful, but they all shape us. And you gotta remember that interacting with other people, you never know what has happened in their life. They could have the exact same experience as you and you would never know. But like, take that into account when someone's not having the greatest day, be able to take that step back and realize, look, you have no idea what's gone in this person's 30 years or 60 years, you know, and being able to wrap your head around that and then actually put that into action, it changes your entire perspective. And I, I really hope that more people get to have kind of a maybe if it's not even like a outof body experience, but people feel that connection in church or in serving their community in some way. And I think that's the way forward in ending something like MST is like letting people be joined in, in some way where they have that same understanding. And I think that the Internet was a good thing, you know, in order to get people to start to connect with different folks all around the world and experience different cultures.
I mean, you know, the Internet has the other side where there's some extreme ideas, but at the end of the day, like that's, that's how people.
Through connection, you know.
[00:20:26] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just people, right? Like there's always going to be people on different ends of spectrums. We talked briefly about it, 1988, when, when this happened. And so this is pre cell phones, this is pre Internet, pre all those things. And so I do think that technology, like look at you and I here having, having a chat and we'd have, we'd have never met each other had there not been an Internet. And it gives me hope that the good people like you and I will continue to do our best to do good things.
And just information, knowledge being disseminated to more and more of the world is my hope. And you know, AI is scary, I think, to everyone. But I also think that there, there will be a. There, there'll be a day where we'll know who these monsters are and we can either stop them before they start and we're getting into Orwellian type stuff here. But I think you're right when you say they're going to have less and less chance with the way like everyone's got a cell phone now, everyone's not so afraid to change. More people are like, hey, this dude just did this to me, right? And I can prove it. And that's where we got to get to is I look at like, you know, HR laws and unions absolutely serve great purposes, but with the way information flows now, there's almost less need for those types of things because employees have phones. They're going to record people locking doors on them in a factory or things like this. Someone's going to get away with things like that.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: It's accountability. You're right.
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Yeah. You know, police officers wearing. Wearing body cams, I think it's great. It protects the citizens and it protects the police officer. We know we can see the videos. Don't lie. It's the optimist in me. I really do think that we can use these things for good and, and still not have it be massive invasions of privacy. I've also always said if you're doing a bunch of bad stuff, you. You want lots of privacy. Maybe, I don't know. But you don't have too much to hide. I don't care if they have my fingerprints. I don't, you know, I don't.
I don't care. I don't plan on going and doing a bunch of nefarious crap. I'm not too worried about it. It's a fine line for sure. That's a tough one.
[00:22:51] Speaker B: You've mentioned shame several times in sharing your experience. And a conclusion that I've come to with trauma and healing and perpetrators and victims is that the wrong people are the ones feeling the shame. And yeah, with having those cameras and proof now, I think that is changing the tide on who feels shame. Because there was no need for me to feel shame that someone else hurt me, you know? Yeah.
[00:23:23] Speaker A: Yeah. But society has us feeling that way for sure.
[00:23:26] Speaker B: Right.
[00:23:26] Speaker A: And I do think that's changing. I think that that mindset is changing. Yeah. We all can remember simple things.
And for me, the simple thing is, is that I am loved and I will always be loved. And I think if we can just remember that, the world would be a better place for everybody.
