Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Sleep meditation did help. Sleep hypnosis meditation. Michael Seeley. That was the guy. Michael Seeley, Yeah. That guy's voice.
I'm here for sleep meditation. I'm.
[00:00:16] Speaker B: That's amazing. Thank you.
[00:00:17] Speaker A: Michael Seeley, you have knocked me out. I appreciate you.
[00:00:22] Speaker C: I'm Rachelle Smith, host of Silence Voices of mst. And thank you for coming on this journey with us. If you didn't know, I mentioned in the last episode, I did just lose my job because of Doge. But that's okay because that means I get to go all in on this and do what I'm actually passionate about, which is helping you. So I'm gonna let Brian take it from here. Thank you again for coming on this new journey and for all the feedback that you've given. Don't forget to leave us a review. 5 stars. Wherever you get your podcast or just leave us a great comment on YouTube.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: All right, here's Brian.
[00:01:04] Speaker A: We still got a long way to go.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: We do, you know, we definitely do. I had wanted to ask, so you mentioned that meditation has really benefit you.
[00:01:14] Speaker C: Is there like a certain thing that you focus on each meditation?
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Like you go in with an intention or what's your style?
[00:01:21] Speaker A: I started off with experimenting with meditation.
I've been on a meditation journey right around the time that I read that article. Just before I left America for a few years, I came across this, like, sleep Hypnosis meditation on YouTube.
I was like, oh, fuck it, I'll try it. And that worked and I got the best sleep I had in probably years that night.
[00:01:48] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:01:50] Speaker A: Yeah. And I was like, sweet. So I'm like, oh, I'm gonna do that for a while. And then that wore off because it's not new anymore. So once it's, you know, again keeping my mind busy with like, new stuff. Right. Once it's not new and it becomes routine, then like, my brain shuts off and the just comes right back. Right. But like, you know, I tried that for a while and that was helpful for a bit. And then as that kind of lost its effectiveness, I started shifting towards other forms. I've tried a number of different things, but like the one that really stuck out to me, I discovered during the COVID years. Yeah. So I live in la and the. The lava or LA county or was offering free headspace subscriptions.
Yeah, Yeah, I don't have the free one anymore. So I don't use it because I'm cheap. But like, they had vast amount of resources in there. Like they would have like a three month or like A one or two or three month meditation session. Like you know, for, for you log onto this one with a certain like stress or anxiety or being present or creativity. Right. Or self esteem or whatever. Right. And you would listen 5, 10, 15 minutes a day or whatever. You listen to it every day to get that like 30 days done and quite the journey.
You know, some people listen to meditations, they've got like the, like the aura kind of music and stuff behind it or whatever. This was none of that.
No, I don't even think there's any music. I, you know, but I think it's just a one guy with his voice, you know, kind of guiding you. You know, it's breathing, exercise and then focusing on certain areas of your body. Like, you know, like you're, you're above your head and your neck, your chest, you know, on down and just kind of back and forth. Or I like one where like you kind of envision like a light and then it kind of like fills your body and then it expands out into the state, city, state, country, world, universe, like as far as you can kind of make it like. I really kind of enjoy those things because they're good, they feel good. Right. They get you to focus on something for a while, but they also clear your head. I found Headspace to be quite helpful, but I don't know, it's different for everybody. I don't know. Do you, do you meditate or.
[00:04:07] Speaker B: Oh, very much so. Every night.
His name is Cal Milkins. Actually, I was gonna reach out to him. He has a YouTube channel, but I subscribed to it months ago because I just randomly found an episode of.
I think prior to the meditation he had an interview with whoever the podcast host was. But then the next episode was one of his meditations, which I thought was really cool. So I set up like a sleep playlist where it's that episode and then like 10 hours of brown Noise and it's. It works like magic. And I used to have crazy sleep issues. Like I was on Seroquel and Ambien and like I would take the Benadryl. No, yeah, no, I would take Benadryl also and then the nyquil gummies or Zequil gummies. And I was basically like trying to knock out an elephant every night, it seemed like. But yeah, I'll actually link to that in the show notes. I think it's really important for people to hear all of these different methods that are effective for people that have been through what they've been through. So.
[00:05:19] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I Think. For me, meditation, a regular meditation routine, has been super helpful. It's been the headspace stuff in particular. But that sleep meditation did help. Sleep hypnosis, meditation. Michael Seeley. That was the guy. Michael Seeley, Yeah. That guy's voice.
[00:05:36] Speaker B: Big.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: Sleep meditation. I'm just like.
[00:05:45] Speaker B: That'S amazing. Thank you, Michael Seeley.
[00:05:47] Speaker A: You've knocked me out. I appreciate you.
[00:05:52] Speaker B: I love that. Okay, I've got that written down.
One question I have for you, for the listeners.
[00:06:00] Speaker A: Sure. What's up?
[00:06:02] Speaker B: What is one major lesson you've learned about yourself or fighting for over 20 years to not only get your benefits, but just to be heard and seen and pull your power back after going through so much, it's worth it.
[00:06:25] Speaker A: I mean, once I realized, once I got that first win, you know, getting it, my discharge, change in general, once that happened, I was like, holy, I gotta tell my story. But then as I was finishing my story, I realized I didn't choose this war. This war chose me. Like, maybe I wasn't meant to fight those battles in Iraq, you know, to fight these battles at home. For people like us who've experienced things just as bad, if not worse than physical warfare, knowing that I fought for 23 years and I came out victorious, it took every.
Every lesson from the Marine Corps that I learned, even in my short amount of time. Tenacity. Never giving up, leaving no one behind, including, and especially myself, fighting tooth and nail. Just never surrender, right?
[00:07:21] Speaker B: Absolutely. Yep.
[00:07:33] Speaker A: And to be honest, like, one of the things that keeps me going because I don't want my perpetrator to win. I've had ideations. I have them all the time. But, like, never surrender, God damn it. You know what I mean? And, you know, like, for me, once I had finally achieved, according to the words of my lawyers, total victory at bcnr, for me, that realized, okay, well, now I gotta be there for other people. So I won my battle, but the war is still on.
And that's why I'm okay talking about it. Like, I don't mind being that voice. Like, what happened to me was fucking horrific. What happened to me and my buddy, same night, the same guy. Those are things that nobody ever, ever, ever want to talk about when you don't. It's something I've learned about PTSD and MST over the years. And another reason why I'm so adamant about sharing my story and trying to help other people with this stuff is that it's an invisible illness, right?
Those that have it don't want to talk about. They don't want to talk about it. And the people around them, whether they're friends and family, whether it's politicians or whatever, they can't begin to understand what those people that have it are going through because they don't want to fucking talk about it. And so, like, we have to.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: Yeah, that was something. Today there's a.
Was it a Facebook page that I follow? And it's actually for a website. I actually interviewed the host of that website the other day, but she has, like, a map that people put markers on for bases, you know, around the world of what happened to them and even on ships. But she shared the story of the. I think she was a private first class that was found stabbed almost 70 times in her home near shoot. Was it Fort Campbell? I think something like that. But I had written a comment saying, like, these.
These things will continue to happen until we address the toxic culture in the military. And somebody lashed out immediately, like, toxic culture. And I was like, yeah, there's a culture of bullying, harassment, hazing, sexism, racism, even ageism. Now, shoot. Like, there's boomers through Gen Z, all just fighting all the time and whatnot. And I'm like, these systemic things are in place to where, like, there's lieutenant colonels committing serious crimes, putting a spy cam into a changing room.
They're committing these crimes that are just beyond.
Beyond defense, basically, to me. And they're getting slaps on the wrist and quietly chaptered out. And he's like, well, that doesn't mean that's a culture that's exaggerating. And I was like, bruh, the word exaggerating is a slave slap in the face to every single victim or survivor of mst. And then he was like, he basically gave me the hysterical woman treatment. But I'm like, dude, like, I. If you want to put your head in the dirt about this, that's on you. But I'm gonna keep shouting from the mountaintops, you know, like, you and me both.
[00:11:09] Speaker A: I tell you what. But, yeah, systemic thing definitely is. I mean, this look, the 20,000 a year have reported, right?
[00:11:21] Speaker B: Yeah. So that means there's way more permeated.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: Yes, I.
In being a voice and things like, you know, things like that. I, you know, basically decided that a part of my life is dedicated to prevention, treatment and advocacy. Right? Prevention, treatment and advocacy. I don't like to be pigeonholed. Like, that's not the entirety of my identity. The entirety of my identity is not that I'm a. Even a Marine, let alone a MST survivor. Right. Like, there's so much more to me, just like there's so much more to you and so much more to everybody else. Right. But this is a.
It's a part that requires significant attention, not only to me, but to society. I think there are ways to address these systems, to possibly enact some change. We have to be smart about it, though, if we're just lashing out, you know. You know, sounding like the. What was the phrase you use? Like, the hysterical woman.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: The hysterical woman. Well, that was. The thing was, I realized that, and I said, you know what? I came at you sideways. I apologize. It's sounds like you have information that I'm not aware of. I would really actually love to talk to you so that I can stop reacting like this, you know, and actually give a cogent argument. And he hasn't responded yet, but I'm hoping he would.
[00:12:49] Speaker A: Well, I would even say, like, bigger than that, you know, Like, I know. I know some people that are doing some pretty interesting things. In D.C. for example, there were a lot of efforts towards that Military Justice Improvement act, as an example, which kind of takes. I mean, I don't know if it's been implemented yet, but it was passed. That takes any sort of legal actions regarding.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: Yeah, that went into action on December 28th last year.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay.
[00:13:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: So, you know, I know some people that have been involved in that. I know some people that are pushing for some things that are more relevant towards initial phases of a military experience. Right. So, like, teaching people to be better people, you know, kind of. I mean, essentially.
Yeah. Like. Like, you know, honorable war fighters kind of thing.
[00:13:41] Speaker B: Right, right, right.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: You know, it's. Yes, we're vicious. We're gonna, you know, destroy the enemy, but that doesn't mean we have to destroy each other or enemies or not.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: Right, right, right.
[00:13:58] Speaker A: You know, like, understanding the lines, but there, you know, there are people doing some things like that. I'm writing this book. There's. I'm sure there's other books that have been written. You know, my. My partner. My business partner and I are working on a documentary about this, which is not the first documentary on the subject matter, you know, but, like, there's, like, stories being told, you're doing your podcast, among other things. There are legitimate political groups that are trying to do things to change this.
And I. You know, I think even with all of that being said, still not easy, because one of the. One of the hallmarks of people like us with PTSD from MST is we want to be heard. Right. So, like, we are shouting from the rooftops. We are. You know, we've had. I've seen situations where, you know, people are trying to get these political organizations or whatever else going on, but, like, they want all the attention they want to make. They want to be the star of the show. I guess maybe me too, because I'm writing this book or whatever, right? But like, you know, but, you know, but there's. There's so many people that want to be the star of the show because they want to be heard, they want to be believed.
[00:15:06] Speaker B: Right.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: I had. I had a conversation with this lawyer friend of mine the other day about, you know, do we really need another organization, you know, another group, like, going, hey, what about? Or is there a way to like, get them all together?
[00:15:22] Speaker B: An umbrella?
[00:15:23] Speaker A: Yeah, like an umbrella. You know, collaborate, right? Like, let's make this an actual coalition instead of death by a thousand cuts or divide and conquer kind of shit. Because if we can. If we can stand up together and, you know, when it comes to advocacy, you know, we can stand up together and really present a united front, then we can't be ignored. But when there's, you know, this group here or that project there, this one there, that one there. And I'm guilty of it too, right? Like I said, books and projects and all this stuff, like, if it's like a little bit here, a little bit there, you like, it's like a little mouse shouting in a forest, like, you know what I mean? But, you know, you know, I just. I guess that is all of that is to say that I do believe that there can be changes, shifts in policy, shifts in behavior, shifts in training and things like that, to ensure that stuff like this never happens again, to ensure that people that have experienced this can be treated properly. I think there's ways. I do believe that's possible.
[00:16:35] Speaker B: You know, I do read, actually. A lot of the guests have also confirmed this just with their stories. But a lot of people that have gone through MST have been traumatized as children. And for me, preventative care would not be saying don't each other or harass each other or whatever. It would just be like preventative of saying like, and blanket. Like, maybe everybody goes to this briefing or whatever, but it's like, these are what boundaries are. This is what a lawful order is, you know, and if this thing is happening, these are the people you definitely talk to.
But I feel like there's a lack of that because even when I was in rotc, the MST related stuff was don't leave your Drink unattended. So it was all very victim blaming still.
But there's, there's like nuance to all of this for sure. But I, there's, I think so many problems in the US and the world where if we came together, we wouldn't be talking right now, they'd be solved, you know?
[00:17:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
Yep.
[00:17:49] Speaker B: You can't ignore that.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: Don't get me started on that. We'll talk for the next five, six hours. Yeah.
[00:18:02] Speaker B: Let me ask my final question. And it would be maybe if someone is holding on to a trauma that, similar to yours and they have maybe taken a oath with themselves or another person saying, I'm never going to talk about this, but what do you want to say to that person?
[00:18:24] Speaker A: I would say that if you hold on to it to yourself and you never talk about it, it's like a disease, it eats away at you.
It only makes it worse, you know? So even if you've sworn this oath to yourself or to a friend or something, to never say anything to somebody, you can speak to a doctor because they also have an oath. And that oath is to keep your information confidential.
Even the va, right? Like, I've had plenty of paranoia. I've been paranoid about the VA by my psychologist and psychiatrists. Like, what are they going to put in my records? Sometimes maybe you talk about some stuff that, like, you're, like, what the, like, but, but they can't do that. They can't do that. And I've looked at my, I've talked about some pretty deep stuff.
I've never seen, once seen any of that stuff mentioned in my records. They'll say, oh, we talked about their trauma or, you know, something very high level. Right. But they're never gonna talk in details about the things that you're sharing with them because they're not allowed to. It's an oath. That's an oath. And if you, whether you swear to yourself to never talk to, you don't have to talk to your friends or your family or anybody else about it. But like, you can't just keep it up, keep it boiled up inside because it will eat away at you, will eat you alive. And if you can even find one person that's willing to listen, and there's plenty of medical professionals out there that will, it makes it at least that much more bearable. And even if, even if you do reach out and find a therapist, for example, and you don't get along with that person or they're not, they're not giving you what you need, fuck them. And go to another one that's hit and miss. You know, I've gone through in the last five years, what, six of them. I got one that, that I'm good with. But like, not every, not every doctor, mental health professional, whatever. They're not all like superhuman. You know what I mean? Yeah, they don't all, you know, they're all, they're all human like us. They're all humans just like us. You know, they're trained in a certain area, but there's nothing magic about them. They're just trained. Right. So like, they're all, they're people, they process things. They've got personalities. You know, you, like either like gel with them or you butt heads. Just because you reach, reach out to one and it's. You're not getting what you're. What you need out of that person doesn't mean to just stop looking. Because the minute, the minute you, the minute you try to bury it, it's just a ticking time bomb. I mean, it will eat away at you until you, you just can't handle it anymore.
[00:21:03] Speaker B: And Brian, how can people reach you and learn about your production company and your book that's coming out?
[00:21:11] Speaker A: Little, little caveat is I, I'm pretty anti social media these days.
I used to be all over social media and then I realized that that was kind of hurting my mental health too. So I kind of got off a lot of that. But you can go to 8bmedia.com number 8 letter B. 8 Bravo stands for 8 billion. So there's 8 million people. Everyone's got a story. Go to ab media.com. check out some of the stuff that we're got working on. I'll mind you, right now the website is very out of date. I'm in the middle of updating it. So we'll be, that'll be refreshed before we know it.
People want to, people want to reach out, talk, whatever. I'm, I'm pretty, pretty open with people. So just say that really quick. I would just say that anybody, anybody's listening. I mean, if you're struggling, if you're, if you're dealing with something that's unspeakable, just keep going.
Find the thing that occupies your mind. Find the thing that gives you a little bit of peace. Even though I struggle every day with flashbacks and nightmares and all that, I've got severe PTSD and I deal with it every day. Even though I deal with all that stuff, I am able to have a fulfilling life and you can too.
And how about this. How about this? I am a. I am a retired private of Marines. How many, how many retired privates have you ever met in your life? So if a retired private can give you something to, you know, maybe chew on for a little bit, then I guess anybody can, right? So there you go. There you go.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: Well, I just wanted to say a huge thank you for coming on here and sharing your story.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: Oh, yeah.
[00:23:03] Speaker C: That concludes the series on Brian. He had mentioned feeling like it would be great if we all could come together to fight this problem instead of all trying to be the star. And, you know, I wholeheartedly agree. And I do think one way for us to do that is to just continue building our communities and working together. If you want to send a message to Brian and tell him, hey, thanks, man, you can come to our website, silence voicesmst.com and leave him a message. Our next episode is a very interesting one. We're going to do the same series format where we break them up, but our guest has found a very interesting and interactive way of sharing people's stories and demonstrating the magnitude of MST. If you haven't like and subscribe on YouTube and give this episode a share or any of them. If you think that it might help someone in your life, either understand you a little better or give them a source of support. And that's going to be it from me. Just want you to remember that your voice is your weapon in our fight against mst. We'll see you next time.
